Heart of the Matter
by Allonsey
Summary: Oneshots of Inquisition Members having heart to heart chats with Varric.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Hawke looked over at Varric from across the table, trying and failing to read his face. "Ugh, fold. I fold." Varric laughed and threw his cards on the table, displaying a winning hand for the third time this evening. "I'm beginning to think you've somehow gotten better at cheating," Hawke observed, taking a sip of her ale.

"You know this is starting to feel like old times again, " Varric sad, collecting his winnings from the center of the table. "Yes, I mean, if you take away the giant green hole in the sky, the world falling apart and the fact that we aren't currently surrounded by sneering templars in The Hanged Man."

Varric laughed and she noticed it wasn't the carefree laugh he had sported in Kirkwall but one that had a deep feeling of worry in it. Hawke observed her friend again, this time noticing the influx of weight his face held, the way his smile had lost some of it's spark. Times had indeed changed.

"We've been through a lot together Hawke, and I'm not saying our time in Kirkwall was always easy, but damned if I don't sometimes miss it. Isabela flirting with poor oblivious Merril, Anders and Fenris arguing about mages." At the mention of Fenris Hawke winced, feeling a ping of pain in her chest. Varric noticed the change and sighed, he was always highly perceptive.

"He needs to know you're here Hawke. He's written me several times, I don't like lying to my friends." Hawke ran her fingers through her blonde hair, "Then don't. A lack of response isn't an answer...or a lie." Varric shuffled the deck, "At least tell him you are alive, and heading to Weisshaupt." Hawke slammed her head against the table, "I miss him."

"Miss who?" Hawke looked up to see the Inquisitor standing in the door way, arms crossed and leaning against the wall. "Inquisitor," Varric said, suddenly smiling again and waving his cards in the air, "Care for a game?" The inquisitor walked towards the table, taking a seat next to Hawke, "No thank you, I'd like to keep some piece of my dignity, and not end up running back to my quarters in the nude like a certain commander I know."

Varric laughed, "Very well then. What are you doing up so late?" She suddenly turned a bright shade of red and started to attempt to explain herself, tripping over her words as she did so, "Well you see..I was...inquisition buisness." Hawke laughed, recognizing the embarrassment on her face, she had seen it on Aveline's when she was started courting her now husband.

Varric held out his hand, "So, visiting Chuckles then." The inquisitor turned even more red, "I guess there's no point in lying to you." Hawke chuckled, good to know that Varric was still the most well informed person she knew, especially on those close to him. "And which one of her companions is Chuckles?" Hawke asked.

"Solas. Bald, Quiet, Solemn. In Sera's words the 'elfiest elf that has ever elfed," Varric explained, dawning an accent for the last part of it. "Ah, yes," Hawke said, "congratulations." The Inquisitor sighed and looked at her feet. "Something wrong?" Varric asked, "I'm always here to listen."

The inquisitor shifted in her seat," I just, don't understand him sometimes. It feels like he's holding back or pulling away from me. We haven't really defined our relationship and I guess I'm just confused. I care for him, and I know he cares for me but there's just something missing."

Hawke frowned, "I've been through a similar circumstance. Fenris," she steeled herself against her pain and resolved herself not to cry, "Fenris was a slave for most of his life, to a magistar. So being a mage myself, our relationship was...complicated for a while. Still is sometimes. I don't know anything about Solas, but sometimes being patient and being in the moment are all you can do. Life is short, be happy in the time you have, in what is yours now, and let the rest fall where it may." Hawke took a sip of ale and patted the inquisitor on the back, "That's my advice at least."

She stood to leave and Varric called after her, "Hawke? Done losing all your money?" Hawke placed her empty mug on the table, "I have someone to write."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Varric paused in the doorway, listening to the conversation as it grew louder.

"I mean seriously Bull, how was that even a choice to you, would you really have let the chargers die? They are your people!" Bull snarled, "Don't you think I know that? You think I've spent the last few years of my life with these men and don't care about them? But the Qunari are my people too, or were at least." The Inquisitor looked disgusted and walked away, almost bumping into Varric as she left the room.

Iron Bull plopped down in a chair, looking defeated. It was not a good look for him, Varric thought. "Hey, need a drink?" he offered as he motioned to the bartender. Iron Bull looked up and nodded silently.

"Don't be too offended Bull, like you said, she doesn't understand." Iron Bull scoffed, "She treats me as though I'm a monster for thinking about it. It wasn't an obvious answer, not for me."

Varric ordered them each a pint and sighed, "For her it would have been." Iron Bull looked annoyed, "No, here let me explain," said Varric. "Inquisitor Lavellan was a first in her clan, set up to be the next keeper."

Iron Bull nodded, "Yeah I know." "Then you know her whole life revolves around keeping her people safe. Her clan is her family, and her role within that family has been defined since she was a child. I guess in that way you have something in common."

Iron Bull scoffed but Varric continued anyway, "In her mind, your people come first, no matter what. Elves look after each other like that, it's how they've survived." He took a moment to thank the waitress and take a sip of ale. "I know it wasn't an easy decision, heck, I get why it was a decision at all.

Iron Bull sighed, "I haven't been around other Qunari in a long time, haven't had to deal with all the shit that comes with it sure but, the Qun it's...it's home. No matter how far I run or how many good men I work with, Qunari are my people. And I caused the death of two dreadnaughts worth of them and became Tal Vashoth all in one go." Iron Bull took a sip, well more like a gulp and Varric and he sat in companionable silence for a time.

"I ever tell you about the time the carta drank darkspawn blood and got used by Corypheus to try to kill Hawke?" Iron Bull nodded and looked at Varric with a look of shock. "Yeah, had to go and stop it, which in the end required killing a lot of Carta members. Dwarves, and ones that I had known a long time. I had drank with them and bought from them and in an instant I had to kill several of them."

"Man that… sucks." Varric took another sip and continued, "Yes, it did. But they were trying to kill Hawke and her and her company were my friends, hell more than friends, they were my family. And other dwarves, sure we belong to the same race and I'll always have a fondness for them, but they aren't my family, not really, not the ones I chose anyway."

Iron Bull's face softened, clearly seeing where this was going, "And Hawke was." Varric nodded, "After what we've been through together Hawke is more family to me then my own parents. Dwarves die every day all over the world, and it's sad, shit it's sad any time anyone dies, but they make their choices and I've made mine and at the end of the day I'm happy with the path I've chosen...with the family I've chosen. And if I could go back and do it all again I'd choose Hawke again, every time."

Iron Bull thought on that for a moment and then finished off his beer. Varric smiled, "Shit, I hate when the conversation gets this serious. What I'm trying to say is if you need to talk, I'm here. No judging, I'll just listen if that's what you want, however I do retain the rights to create a dramatized version of whatever you tell me in my next book, "Magisters and Mercenaries."

Iron Bull laughed, "I think Dorian might take offense to that." Varric smiled, "I think he'll come around." Iron bull stood, "Thanks Varric, I needed that, now if you'll excuse me I need to go beat the shit out of something." Varric chuckled and watched him go, finishing off the last of his beer and pulling out a quill, this would make an excellent prologue.


	3. Chapter 3

Varric sighed as he walked up into the library on his way to see Leliana. She would not be happy at the report in his hand, not that she was ever what Varric would consider happy. She had the look of a woman who knew far too much, it was a dangerous look in Varric's experience. He went to walk past where Dorian was always perched and noticed that the Tevinter looked out of sorts.

Dorian's hair, which was, in Dorians own words, the epitome of beauty and perfection, was disheveled. He was hunched over several open books, frantically looking at them all in unison and making frustrated grunting noises.

"Damn, Festus bei umo canavarum!"  
Varric chuckled and made for the table he was at, Leliana could wait. He sat across from him for several minutes before Dorian made note of him.

"Something amusing dwarf?" he said, shutting one of the books and looking annoyed. "If you're looking for a good read I know an author who could hook you up with something far better than…" Varric looked at one of the book covers, "Origins of the Fade Volume 8?"

Dorian pushed the other books out of the way, hiding their titles from Varric, "Thank you Varric but I'm not exactly in the mood to read the drivel you turn out."

Varric looked mock offended, "Drivel? I'm hurt Sparkles. I only write novels of the highest quality. What are you doing looking at this crap anyway? Trying to win an argument with Solas because I have to tell you, you won't." Dorian snorted at that.

"No, just…trying to make sense of what happened to Any….to the Inquisitor. I mean she was in the fade Varric, IN the fade. Physically. That's not supposed to happen you know."

Varric nodded, "And you are trying to figure out how? Because trust me, it's not a feat you want to try magey."

Dorian pointed in the air, "And that's the problem. Once news of what she did spreads every mage in Tevinter will be attempting it. I'm curious because I want to know what kind of effect it will have on the Inquisitor but I know some, hell, many mages who would love to use it to gain power."

Varric looked him in the eyes, "So you have read 8 different volumes on the Fade because you are worried about what some crackpot mages in Tevinter might do if they somehow get news of this all."

Dorian nodded but did not return Varric's eye contact. "Of course what other reason would I have?"

Varric sighed, "Horseshit." Dorian looked quizzically at the dwarf. "Some mage might get the crazy idea that they can do this in their head, sure, and they might attempt it, which for everything I know is almost impossible and yeah, I guess that would be a problem. But that's not why you've spent hours researching all this. After all, mages in Tevinter do crazy things all the time from what I hear."

"Oh yeah? Then why have I exhausted myself looking at this all, do enlighten me oh wise one," Dorian said sarcastically.

Varric walked over to the ledge and motioned for Dorian to follow him. Once there Varric looked down on the Inquisitor who was sitting in the rotunda next to Solas listening to another one of his stories.

"The same reason we all do this. For her."

"You do know I prefer men."

"I don't mean romantically. I heard how she has defended you against those who mistrust you or try to kick you out of the Inquisition. I know how dear a friend she considers you Sparkles, and trust me, friends like that are hard to come by."

Dorian stared down, "She's the only true friend I've had in ages but I sometimes feel my presence here is a burden. When people look at me they only see the hearsay about my homeland. I'm a slave owning blood mage who will stop at nothing to gain all the power. Isn't that right?"

Varric chuckled, "That certainly sounds like the role of a villain and from what I remember this story already has one, and he is a lot scarier than some sarcastic necromancer from Tevinter."

Silence followed for a bit, and Varric waited for the words to set in. "Listen, you are a huge help around here and a valued member of the team. If you dislike the things people assume about Tevinter then prove them wrong, be the example of what you want people to see about your homeland. Ignore the rest and do the best you can, that's all anyone can ask of you, that's all she asks of you."

"I've spent the better part of my life feeling as though I had to hide a part of who I am, of feeling not good enough. I guess those habits of thinking are hard to break. I came here to help, but I hear what people say."

Varric nodded, "Yeah I get that. But history will remember us Sparkles, one way or another, and I hope you get written about as one of the heroes, one future Tevinter citizens will be proud of. That would be nice for a change huh?"

Dorian smiled, "It would indeed. I have considered going home, just releasing her from the burden of my friendship. Every time we try to negotiate something or some nobleman has an issue my name comes up. Every single time. I would have thought she would ask me to leave. And then when we discussed my homeland and slavery came up, I thought this time, this conversation, this is when she will say she's had enough."

"And yet you are still here Sparkles," Varric pointed out.

"That I am. You know what? You are right. This organization is called the Inquisition is it not? And if the Inquisitor wants me here, damn the rest to hell."

Varric smiled, "That's the spirit. Hell, Cassandra hates my guts but I'm still here aren't I?"

"Varric you are alive, that alone is proof our dear Seeker can't hate you as much as you claim."  
Varric laughed, "You might be right about that Sparkles." They continued to watch the Inquisitor and Solas for a bit longer.

"There's something about him I just don't trust," Dorian said. "Sorry, that was just a passing thought, I'm not even sure why I said it out loud."

Varric nodded, noticing the longing in the Inquisitor's eyes, "Yeah. Reminds me of a friend of mine, passionate about a cause but, in the end we couldn't save him from himself and he took a lot of people down with him."

Dorian nodded and Varric went on his way up to see Leliana. Oh Blondie, Varric thought as he walked, Let us hope this elf doesn't follow in your footsteps.


	4. Chapter 4

Varric burped and made a disgusted face, man the tavern at Skyhold really needed some new ale in. He wasn't one to complain where alcohol was involved, Maker knows the Hanged Man hadn't had quality ale, but the stuff at Skyhold was a new level of awful. He wandered out of the tavern and towards his quarters inside when he noticed Solas standing alone looking anxiously at the front gates. Maybe it was the ale getting to him, maybe his damn compassionate nature was just too dominant to ignore an apostate in peril, but whatever it was, Varric found himself walking towards Chuckles, albeit in not an entirely straight fashion.

"How's it going Chuckles?" he said, presumably too loudly since the elf seemed to startle. "Fine," said Chuckles, going back to his stoic stance staring into the distance. "Looking for something?" Varric continued despite the fact that Solas clearly wasn't in the mood to talk. "Yes." Varric rolled his eyes, "And what would that be Chuckles?" Solas sighed aloud, "If you must know…" Varric let out a quiet _I must_ and Solas sighed again, "I'm awaiting the return of the Inquisitor."

"I thought Dorian said something about her visiting her clan after that debacle at the Temple." Solas fidgeted and looked back at the gate, "She said she was going to stop by her clan to visit briefly before meeting us all back here. That was this afternoon, it's now several hours after sundown. She should be here." Varric smirked a little, noticing the look of concern in the elf's gaze.

"Look Chuckles, she hasn't seen them in a while, I'm sure she's fine, maybe she decided to spend the night with them." Solas seemed to consider this, "No, I do not believe she would do that. Perhaps I should go look for her, perhaps she has gotten into trouble on her way back." Varric shook his head, "I guess that's always a possibility but based on what I know about her, I think she just needs some time with her family."

Solas looked at Varric, "I believe I also know her pretty well." Varric put his hands up in mock surrender, "I'm not saying you don't Chuckles, but Dorian told me what happened today and I can see why she might need some space." Solas looked confused, "What do you mean? I know it was a difficult day, after all she now has the knowle…." "Not because of the encyclopedia of Elf knowledge now in her head, but because of meeting the elves." Solas squished his face up, "I'm confused, you mean Abelas and the rest of the guardians? I found that a pleasant circumstance."

Varric sighed, "Of course you did, but think of it from her perspective. She has never really felt like she fit in with the Dalish. You insulting them every chance you get certainly hasn't helped with that either. She also doesn't feel like she is a good enough elf for you, which is probably why you aren't there with her, but then she meets these other elves, who are connected to her heritage and what do they say to her? That she isn't one of them. That she isn't their people. Take a second and think of how that makes her feel."

Solas seemed to think a bit, "I do not insult the Dalish, I simply challenge their treatment of…." "I once heard you call them a savage band of misinformed stubborn idiots." "I'm allowed to have bad days too," Solas said defensively, "I have never heard her say these things." Varric shrugged, "There are things you say to your friends and there are things you say to your lover." Solas looked like had been slapped, "We are not lovers," he said harshly, and then, "I'm not that selfish."

"Listen, she is the head of an organization whose roots are in a religion she doesn't believe in, with mostly humans who she has spent a lifetime avoiding….She's been through a lot. And no matter how much she smiles and seems to take it all in stride it has to wear on her. She might nod and laugh when you tease the Dalish but ultimately she wants what they want. To know her roots, to be elfy. But you dismiss this notion every time you choose to make fun of the organization she has spent her life in. Do you ever even ask her about her stories or life before the Inquisition?"

There was a silence and Varric was worried he had gone too far. Chuckles deserved the scolding, but perhaps not from a drunk dwarf in the middle of the night. He was about to apologize when Solas broke the silence.

"Elfy?" Solas said, a smile forming on the corner of his mouth. "As you said it's several hours after midnight and I've had a few." Solas looked down at him, "That I can smell." "You worry about her in your way and I'll do it in mine." Solas nodded.

"And what are you two doing up at this hour?" They both turned to see the inquisitor standing a few feet from them. "Well, I can smell what Varric was doing, but what about you Solas? Were you also enjoying a night at the tavern drinking the world's most disgusting ale?"

"Not quite. How was your visit?" "Good, good. It was nice to see family." "Come," Solas said with a smile, "tell me all about it over some tea." "Really?" said the Inquisitor, looking genuinely surprised. "Really," said Solas, leading her up into the castle.

Varric watched them go, thinking again what a weakness he had for hopeless apostates, and trying to figure out how to work this all into his latest book.


	5. Chapter 5

"Are you okay?"

Evelyn scoffed, gods she hated that question. Her would-be lover left her hunched over without an arm crying in the middle of nowhere to go destroy the world. Of course she wasn't okay, and frankly she was sick of having to pretend she was. She was sick of the smile she had to plaster on her face when people asked how she was doing.

"Sorry, stupid question," continued Cassandra quietly. "I know you aren't okay, I just don't know what else to say."

Evelyn smiled, "I understand. I just feel like the answer to that question is and always will be bad. I'm doing bad."

"For now," said Cassandra confidently. "I know it hurts now but with time it will heal."

Evelyn nodded even though she didn't agree with the sentiment. Two years and then some hadn't healed her heart in any capacity. She still awoke most nights from nightmares of his face, and spent an embarrassing amount of time in the rotunda just staring at the walls, trying to feel his presence. They had begun to mention leaving Skyhold, which hurt her like a knife to the heart. Her brain knew it was the logical and strategic choice, but the rest of her wanted to cling to the only thing she had left of him, memories. Most of which took place within these walls.

She turned to see that Cassandra had left, and she didn't blame her. She wasn't much for conversation these days, and people felt awkward around her. She continued to stare out over the battlements silently.

"Your spymaster tells me you don't want to leave this castle."

Evelyn turned to see Abelas standing next to her. "I didn't hear you enter," she said, wondering how he was so adept at sneaking.

"The dread wolf knows of this place, inside and out, better then you ever will, leaving is the smart choice."

Evelyn felt that pang in her chest again and felt defensiveness mix with anger, "So what." She knew it was a childish response and she didn't care. She was still inquisitor, and if she wanted to stay then they would stay. "If you hate it here you are welcome to leave."

"I will not."

"Right, because you promised Mythal you'd look after me. I hold you to no such oath or bond, and you said yourself that you no longer feel Mythal's pull, perhaps she is gone."

"I stay of my own volition," he said quietly and she turned to look at him. For some reason the sight of him was momentarily replaced with Solas, triggering a sob from her.

"He's not coming back," she said aloud, trying to hold in the weeping she felt rising in her.

"No. And you should not want him to. I fear staying in this place is only keeping you from moving on."

She sighed and looked out over Skyhold once more. Perhaps he was right, the night mares and the visions and the pain, perhaps if she left she would be able to conquer it.

"This is all I have left of him," she said desperately.

"Then purge it, allowing yourself to live again, instead of just surviving in the hopes that he comes back to you."

She fell to her knees openly sobbing at that. He was right of course, she had never given up hope that he would come waltzing into Skyhold, begging for her forgiveness and confessing his love for her. Then he would scoop her into his arms and promise to never leave her. But that was never going to happen. She would always reach out for him and he would always turn away, such was the nature of their love.

After a few minutes of companionable silence she stood, wiping the tears from her face. "Let's gather the advisers. It's time to find a new headquarters."

With that she marched down the stairs to the war room.

"Nicely done gramps," Abelas heard Varric say from behind him. "I was just coming to have the same conversation, perhaps a little more gently…"

"She doesn't need gently," he said, scoffing at the dwarf, "she needs a kick and a firm hand."

"Okay okay, your way works I'll give you that. I just hate to see her hurting."

"Fear not dwarf," Abelas said, "when we find the wolf, Evelyn's pain will seem inconsequential compared to what he will suffer."

With that Abelas marched off behind the inquisitor and Varric chuckled.

"Good, this story deserves a happy ending."


End file.
